Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!)
by Euterpe1014
Summary: Presenting the debut of the Gundam Shorts OAV: "Gundam Wing: Endless Shorts"! More "lost" scenes! Yaoi and Relena-bashing galore!
1. Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!...

Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!) Part 1  
by Euterpe  
  
These are just a bunch of silly little sketches I had about Gundam Wing that were floating through my head. Watch out- there's spoilers for just about everything. These basically go in order of the epsiodes in the series...I really didn't have any particular place to put them, so here they are...now read them, dammit!  
  
Disclaimer: *Enter Relena* "Hi everyone! Euterpe asked me to do the disclaimer for her fic, so here goes!" *clears her throat* "Um, let's see...'Euterpe...'" *pauses to look at script* "'doesn't own...'" *checks script again* "'Gundam...'" *once again refers to script* "Oh no! I lost my place! Pargan, come help me with this! It's just too hard for me!" *Pargan enters* "It's quite simple, Miss Relena. 'Euterpe doesn't own Gundam Wing.' Now come on, let's go. It's time for you to take your medication. Goodnight, everyone! And please remember to review!"  
  
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Quatre Winner was excited. Today was the big day, the day of Operation Meteor, when he would board his Gundam Sandrock and descend to Earth to fight the tyranny of the Alliance, in order to bring peace and freedom to the colonies. He had heard the Earth was beautiful. Just so beautiful, so unbelievably beautiful. And now, after months of training and equipping his mech, he was all set to go. There was just one thing missing. He simply had to look his best for his first terrorist mission, so he would need a clean shirt to wear. Unfortunately, when he went to look in his closet, there were none available.  
  
'Crap,' he thought to himself. 'And the Maguanacs aren't around, so I'm going to have to take the matter into my own hands.' He left his room and began the long trek through his family's mansion in the direction of the laundry room, hoping to get there in an hour or so. Luckily, when he arrived there he discovered that a fresh load had just been done, so he had plenty of clean shirts to chose from. But when he opened the dryer door, he nearly fainted from shock. Seconds later, he was pounding up the stairs to confront his multitude of sisters.  
  
"All right, which one of you put her red underwear in with my wash? You turned all of my shirts pink! Now what am I going to wear to Operation Meteor today?"  
  
None of his sisters wanted to claim responsibility, and since Quatre was such a nice guy, he decided to let them off the hook. "Oh well, I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. I'll just have deal with it for now, I'm running late as it is." He ran back to his room to change. 'Hey, I kinda like the pink. It looks good on me. I think I'll stick with it...'  
  
*****  
  
Relena Darlian approached the new student nervously, invitation in hand. She had met this boy named Heero Yuy by chance earlier that day, and she was intrigued by the aura of danger that surrounded him. Now, she was about to bestow upon him the great honor of being invitied to her birthday party. He was just sure to accept her offer, she knew it. No one could ever refuse her because she simply radiated charm. All of her classmates anxiously gathered around to see what would happen.   
  
"I'm having my birthday party tomorrow, and I'd be honored if you'd attend." she spoke politely to the young man, handing him the envelope. To her shock and dismay, he ripped it up right in front of her face. He offered no explanation, only calmly sauntering away. As he passed her, he stopped to flick away one of the tears rolling down her face. "Omae o korosu," he hissed, with a smirk on his face.  
  
Relena just stood there, frozen in place by shock. Being unable to speak Japanese, and being a bit on the slow side to begin with, she had no clue what Heero had just said to her. 'I wonder what that means. I bet he likes me. Cool!' She grinned. Not one to hold focus on one topic for too long, her mind began to wander. "Hmm. I like the socks I'm wearing today. They're pretty. What socks should I wear tomorrow? Oh, it's such a difficult decision. I'll have Pargan decide for me."  
  
*****  
  
Duo Maxwell watched in disgust as the mysterious pilot he had just rescued from the Alliance hospital calmly set his own leg. He heard a sickening crack as the bone slid into place. 'Man, this guy just isn't human' he thought. 'Just watching him do that freaks me out.' Shinigami couldn't take anymore. He ran in the direction of the nearest bathroom, ready to blow chunks.  
  
Heero looked up from what he was doing, and paused for a moment. When he was sure that Duo was out of earshot, he let out the most girly scream imaginable. "Waahh! It really hurts! I want my mommy!"  
  
*****  
  
During his mission in Corsica, Quatre had encountered a mobile suit that was almost identical to his. Another Gundam? He and the other pilot began to fight each other, but as their grappling continued, Quatre sensed a familiar feeling in his chest. His spaceheart was trying to tell him something about this other pilot. He was someone much like himself, with the same goals and mission. He was an ally, not an enemy. Following his instincts, Quatre opened the hatch to the cockpit and stepped outside to meet this other person face to face. Almost simultaneously, the other boy came out of his Gundam, his eyes peering out through long bangs.  
  
"This is wrong. We shouldn't be fighting each other!" Quatre called out. The boy had his arms raised in capitulation. "Put your hands down. I was the first one to surrender." An awkward silence settled in. After a brief hesitation, the second pilot spoke to him. "I like your shirt." Quatre beamed. "Um, do you wanna go back to my place now?" he inquired. The banged boy nodded in agreement, and the two quickly abandoned their machines.   
  
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Well that's it for now, but I have plenty more where these came from. Let me know if you want to see them posted.  
  
Thanks to my sister Qtpi123! Even Muses need their own Muses! Check out her fics once you're done reviewing mine- they're great too! 


	2. Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!...

Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!) Part 2  
by Euterpe  
  
Hey everybody! Thank you soo much for reviewing Part 1- it was my first ever completed fic! Here's some more, same as before-- silly (at least I think so) sketches for Gundam Wing. Watch out for yaoi, Relena-bashing, and major spoilers. Have fun!  
  
Disclaimer: *Enter Quatre, with Trowa standing behind him, arms folded* "Hi! Euterpe told me that it was my turn to read the disclaimer for her work. She says that I'm her favorite pilot. I think that was awfully nice of her, don't you? Anyway, here it is: 'Sadly, Euterpe does not own Gundam Wing nor the kawaii pilots who appear on the series.' Hey what does this part say? It's kinda crossed out. 'She does not even own Quatre, although she still can fantasize about him to her heart's content...'" *Trowa's face is getting red* "' And all the things she would do to him if he were hers and hers alone..'" *Trowa has now balled up his fists* "' Naughty things involving whipped cream...'" *Quatre is on the verge of passing out from shock. Trowa has stormed backstage, and the authoress can be heard pleading for her life in between dodging Trowa's punches. Satisfied, Trowa emerges a few seconds later and returns to his position.* "Um, Trowa? What do you think Euterpe wanted to do with the whipped cream?" "Never mind, little one. I'll show you later. Just keep reading." *Quatre clears his throat* "'OK, review when you're done, please.'" *Shouts can be heard from backstage* "Hey Trowa, would you and Quatre be down with a threesome?"  
  
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The blue-haired woman had just stepped out of the shower. She towelled off her hair and as she turned around to look in the mirror, she caught sight of her shrine devoted to the masked man she adored. The man who had been absent from her life for such a long time, who was now returning. "Zechs," Noin whispered to her pictures, "It's been one year and twenty-two days. And seven hours. And two minutes. And three seconds. Four seconds. Five. Six...that number reminds me of Zechs. Oh, Zechsy..."  
  
*****  
  
It was just another night's work at the circus for siblings Trowa Barton and Catherine Bloom. Catherine was practicing her skill of throwing knives at her younger brother, and Trowa was practicing his skill of just standing there. Usually, Catherine was pretty good with her aim, but she had been to a circus party the night before, and everyone knows how wild those can get, especially once they've broken out the cotton candy. As a result, she was now stuck with a massive hangover and double vision. But still, the show must go on, headache or not. She took a deep breath and flung a knife, then gasped when it embedded itself right between Trowa's legs, only centimeters away from his flesh.   
  
The audience was clearly impressed with this display of her talent and began applauding, leading Catherine to believe that her slip-up would go unnoticed. But then a diminutive blond hurriedly began making his way down through the seats and toward the circus ring below. He stopped when he got to Catherine, and began to reprimand her for her carelessness. Then he rushed over to Trowa to make sure he was OK. "Trowa, I can't believe what she almost did to you," Quatre wailed. "Are you all right? I can't bear to think about what could've happened to you- or to 'Little Trowa'! What would I have done then?"  
  
The Heavyarms pilot did his best to calm his lover down. "Little one, just go back to your seat. I'll be fine. You can check on 'Little Trowa' later tonight if you wish." Quatre's face relaxed. He turned back to Catherine. "You were lucky this time," he reminded her. "You'd better watch out, though, or next time..." he began cackling with his Zero-System style laughter before returning to the audience.  
  
*****  
  
Zechs Merquise took off his mask and stood in front of the portrait of his deceased father. He had finally regained the Sanc Kingdom and avenged his family's death, but his work was not yet done. "I've failed you," he began, addressing the painting. "Only Relena is fit to lead the Sanc Kingdom. My hands, they are too stained with blood," he lamented, holding them up before his face. Upon closer inspection however, he noticed that the spots on them were brown rather than red. 'Hey, this isn't blood,' he thought. 'It's chocolate. Anyway, there's no way that a chocolate-loving maniac like myself can run this country. All of the treasury funds would go to buying Godiva...Hm, note to self, hop into the Tallgeese on the way back to OZ HQ and pick up some more Godiva.'  
  
*****  
  
Lady Une was willing to play dirty with the rebels. "Hand over your Gundams. OZ has targeted the colonies." She had backed the pilots into a trap. Heero knew there was only one option available to him. He stepped out of Wing and pushed the self-detonation button, destroying his mech and sending himself flying toward the ground. At the same moment, as he watched the situation unfold, Quatre lurched forward in the seat of his Gundam, clutching his chest and feeling a tremendous pain welling up within him.   
  
"Quatre, what's wrong? Is your spaceheart causing you to sense the pain that Heero's going through?" Duo asked.  
  
"No it's not that. I've got a bad case of heartburn. I knew we shouldn't have stopped off at that fast food place on the way over here. You wouldn't happen to have any Mylanta with you, would you?"  
  
*****  
  
The tense battle raged on between Tallgeese and Heavyarms, as the fierce Antarctic winds whipped around the two giant machines. Zechs and Heero were deadlocked in combat, and neither seemed ready to give in. As the fighting continued, Zechs gained the upper hand, and was about to deal a deadly blow to Heero with his beam saber. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a large airplane showed up and flew in between the two mechs. A young girl clad in pink with blond hair leaned out of the door, waving a piece of paper. "Heero, I have a letter for y-". Just then, everyone's favorite butler, who was also piloting the jet, spun it quickly to the left, the sudden shift throwing Relena off balance and out of the plane. She fell a hundred feet down, to her icy death. Pargan, now relieved of the royal pain known as Relena, let out a loud cheer. "Mission accomplished." For in truth, Pargan was the secret sixth Gundam pilot, who had come to Earth to assassinate Relena Peacecraft. He had finally acheived his goal after months of hard work and careful planning. Now he was off to celebrate. 'It's time to go pick up some chicks in the Sanc Kingdom. Watch out ladies, here I come!"  
  
(Okay. Sorry about this one. I don't think the episode really ended like that. I can't seem to find my tape of it though, so I was writing from memory. I'm pretty sure that's what happened in it.)  
  
  
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Believe it or not, I still have a few more up my sleeve. Or on my disk. Give me feedback- do you want to see more, or should I be dragged out into the streets and shot?  
  
Thanks again to Qtpi123, living proof that little sisters can be useful for things other than target practice for your knife act. 


	3. Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!...

Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!) Part 3  
by Euterpe  
  
Okay here it is gang! Back by popular demand (well, honestly I would've submitted it even if people were begging me to stop), more Gundam Shorts! Thanks again to everyone who's reviewed Parts 1 + 2! This one's a little less naughty than the others...sorry to disappoint all the people who were looking forward to the hardcore sex (maybe next time...).  
  
Disclaimer: *Enter Heero* "Hn. I really don't want to be here right now when I could be washing my shorts...I mean, mercilessly slaughtering OZ soldiers, but Euterpe told me that if I didn't read the disclaimer for her fic, she'd call Relena and have her come over to do a lemon with me. Here it is: 'Euterpe doesn't own Gundam Wing'." *mumbles under his breath "thank God for that."* "'If anyone tries to take her work without permission, omae o korosu!' That last part is mine. You'd better not try to steal that either, or I'll send Zero out to get you. All right, I'm getting out of here quickly before anything else bad happens to me."  
  
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Helpless to do anything, Duo could only watch in horror as the images played out across a giant TV screen in the colony in which he was currently hiding. OZ officials had ordered one of their new cadets to destroy Duo's Deathscythe, which had fallen into their hands. "Listen, Deathscythe, you're gonna be OK, aren't you?" He pleaded with the mech, hoping that it would pull through. As he watched the unknown pilot fire the massive shot, he knew that everything wasn't going to be all right this time. "NOOOOOO!" he screamed out in anguish.  
  
Meanwhile, out in the depths of space, Trowa gazed out of his viewscreen at the damage he had just caused. Destroying a fellow pilot's Gundam saddened him, but it was a necessary action to gain Lady Une's trust so that he could infiltrate OZ. As he regarded the wreckage, he felt a sneeze coming on. *ACHOO!* Trowa paused for a moment to reflect on the effects of zero gravity on his bodily fluids. 'Those sparkles,' he thought, noting the tiny droplets floating around him, 'They're my snot." A few seconds later, he could hear the message coming over the link to Lady Une at Space Fortress Barge: "Private Barton, get a tissue!"  
  
*****  
  
Quatre's reunion with his father was not turning out to be a happy one. Master Winner was using their meeting as an opportunity to scold his son for his role in Operation Meteor, which went against the family's pacifist ideals. "You've been very disobedient," he admonished the boy.  
  
The young heir felt angry and defiant. "I still think I did the right thing." He was normally so sweet and polite to people, but fighting for the colonies was a cause that he believed in so strongly that he would even argue with his father if necessary.   
  
"Why don't you use your head a little?" his father shot back. This remark sent Quatre into tears. He couldn't believe his own father could be so cruel. He ran out of the room, shouting, "I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!"  
  
Master Winner's face fell. "Quatre, come back! It hurts Daddy when you say that!" He shrugged, realizing it was a lost cause. "Oh well, I can always create another Mini-Me."  
  
(Note: I also do not own Austin Powers. Again, I am truly sorry for the quality of this sketch.)  
  
*****  
  
The heavy breathing sounds of Pilot 04 permeated the cockpit of Wing Zero. Quatre had just done the unthinkable, destroying an entire colony in his state of madness and grief. 'That was for my father's death,' he fumed, driven past reason by the need for revenge. 'From now on, it's no more Mr. Nice Pilot. Now let's see, who else is on my vengance list for today? Ah, yes, Mrs. Smith, my second grade teacher. She gave me a B in math. It brought down my average for the year. According to my sources, she lives on Colony X-8641. Well, let's just see what she thinks of me now!' He powered up his Vernier engines and rocketed off to his next target. 'After her, I'll take care of that guy who called me a sissy in junior high. Well, /I'm/ the one with the mobile suit. Let's see him stuff me into a locker now!' And with that, he began cackling with that weasely laughter thing he does /so/ well.  
  
*****  
  
"Get out of here, Trowa. The Vayeate's about to explode." Heero warned him. But his comrade wouldn't listen to him. He was too intent on talking Quatre out of his Zero-System controlled rampage to care about his own safety. He spoke soothingly to the young pilot. "This isn't like you, Quatre. Turn back into the nice guy I knew." Finally his craft blew up, sending him hurtling through outer space.   
  
Before he succumbed completely into unconsciousness, a few thoughts crossed Trowa's mind. 'Heero, go easy on Quatre.' Then 'Ow. That hurt. Maybe I should listen to Heero next time.' Things began to grow fuzzy. 'You know, I wonder if this accident was just the producers' way of writing me out of the story. That would really suck. They barely gave me any lines as it was, and the pay was really bad.' Finally 'I hope that while I'm gone no one uses up all my hair gel. If they do, I'll have nothing to control my huge bang and I'll wind up looking really stupid. Oh well, here comes nap time...zzz...'   
  
*****  
  
Heero climbed into the cockpit of the Gundam and activated the Zero System. "Zero, show me who my true enemies are." The machine started making funny beeping noises and emitting strange flashing lights. He relaxed as that nice familiar wave of hallucination passed over him and his eyes started glowing.   
"I wonder who it is. Is it Treize? No, it must be Zechs." He was totally unprepared for the horrifying image the computer fed into his brain. The blond hair with the stupid little braids in it, the psychotic glare...no, it couldn't be- it was Relena! "Argh! No! Get her away from me!" Heero Yuy's screams echoed throughout the cockpit, as he had his first traumatic Zero System experience. Wing Zero was indeed a dangerous weapon, enough to make a person go nuts...  
  
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Ok guys, that's it for now. I have a few more, if you're not sick of these already. I'm actually in the process of working on a real fic, so expect that to be out soon. Thanks again to Qtpi123.  
  
*Heero is making his way offstage, but is stopped dead in his tracks by the sound of the authoress's voice from backstage* "Heero, I'm very upset about your little 'ad-libs' to my disclaimer. Now you've got to suffer the consequences. There's someone here to see you." *Heero looks around nervously* "Relena?" "No, worse." *an aging hippie in a pink Hawaiian shirt comes onstage* "Howard?!?" "Heero, like, long time, no see. Whaddaya say we get jiggy wit' it?" *Heero whips out his self-destruct button and begins pushing it frantically.* "Euterpe, you are one sick freak. Get help. Zero, save me!" 


	4. Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!...

Hello and thank you for joining us this evening. *authoress takes a drag from her pipe and leans back in the Comfy Chair* Tonight, on Masterpiece Theatre, it's Charles Dickens' classic novel, "Bleak House," a tale of madcap humor and hentai innuendo. Starring Dame Judi Dench and Alec Guinness. Wait a min-- he's dead, isn't he? OK then, Judi Dench and Kermit the Frog. And now for something completely different--   
  
*Otto, clothes in tatters, crawls out of the wreckage of the Tallgeese after his kamikaze assault on the Sanc Kingdom.* "It's..." *collapses*  
  
Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!) Part 4  
by Euterpe  
  
  
(Note: I don't own Monty Python either. And this fic contains a lot of Relena-bashing, Wufei-bashing, and the merciless assault of countless other poor souls, so if this upsets you, I suggest you not to proceed. Remember, it's all supposed to be in good fun.)  
  
Disclaimer: *Trowa enters, walks to the middle of the stage and leans against the wall, arms folded. He and the authoress have apparently worked out their differences* "Go ahead, Trowa." "..." "Please?" *Trowa looks straight ahead, and begins to speak in a calm voice, with just a slight hint of resentment* "It's not hers." *from backstage* "There now, was that so hard to do? All right, I'll keep my end of the bargain." *snaps fingers. Euterpe's assisstants Qtpi123 and SpeedyChta untie Quatre, whom they have taken hostage, and remove the gag from his mouth* "Trowa!" *Quatre runs up onstage and glomps his lover* "You did a wonderful job, Trowa! I'm so proud of you! Let's go home and celebrate-- I think there's still some whipped cream left over in the fridge from Part 2." *Trowa puts his arm around Quatre's shoulder and begins leading him offstage* "They've got us outnumbered, little one. We'd better move quickly."  
  
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Treize stood in his palace at Luxembourg and sniffed yet another rose, contemplating his plans for the future. 'That young woman Relena Peacecraft has successfully united the citizens of Earth under the Romafeller Foundation. But now her usefulness has come to an end and she must be deposed. She can no longer reign as Queen of the World. I will take over in her stead.'   
  
"Soon /I/ shall be Queen of the World!" he shouted out into the empty hallway, before the impact of his words sank in. "Um, wait, no. Actually, I meant king. Yes, King of the World!" He looked around embarassed, hoping that no one had been there to notice his mistake. He tucked the rose into his lapel and made his way down the hall to prepare for another bubble bath.  
  
*****  
  
Quinze admired the newly-completed Battleship Libra as he stepped on board. "Ah, I see that it is now equipped with all the modifications necessary for White Fang to bring the Earth to its knees and give the colonists total supremacy! Excellent. I shall start with the inspections immediately." He strode down the hallway purposefully. "Giant Earth-destroying laser-- operational. Zero-gravity control for cool floating effects-- operational. And my piece-de-resistance--" he sighed in anticipation as he neared the entrance. "An Old Navy store on every deck. Now I'll be able to buy those cool blue vests that show the enemy we're terrorists that don't mess around. Ooh! I wonder if they've got the new performance fleeces in yet!"  
  
*****  
  
'There's nothing like polishing up your Gundam on a Saturday night,' thought Duo as he floated down the corridors of the Peacemillion and towards the hangar where his Deathscythe was stored. But the sight he was met with when he opened the door made him want to lose his lunch for the second time in this series. 'Damn it. I knew I should've knocked first.' He saw a sight that he was positive would blind him for life.  
  
"Nataku, it's been so long. I've been desperately lonely without you. Please let me ride you once more!" Wufei was sprawled out naked across the Altron Gundam. "Let us serve justice once again!"  
  
Duo had known that Wufei was attached to his mech, but this just struck him as pathetic. 'Man, the guy can't get a real date on the weekend, so he has to settle for "riding" his Gundam. Hell, I can do better than that. No wait, I can't. That's what I'm doing in the hangar on a Saturday night in the first place. Actually, Wufei has the right idea.' "Oh Deathscythe, where are you?" he called. "Let's check out your new thermal blade!"   
  
*****  
  
This one's a tribute to the "cut" version that aired on Cartoon Network-  
  
Altron's spear pierced through the armor of the Tallgeese II, sending the mech into a giant explosion and ending the life of its pilot, Treize Kushrenada. At one time, Wufei would have been satisfied to bring about the death of an enemy, since he believed that it was justice being served. But in his final confrontation with Treize, he had come to recognize his spirit of nobility and integrity, and looked upon him as an equal warrior in battle. But Treize had been too eager to bring about the peace that could only come through his own death, and Wufei's hasty actions had done him in. As the tears welled up in his eyes, the Chinese pilot slammed his fist down on his control panel, venting his frustrations verbally: "Gosh-darn you, Treize, you stinker!"  
  
*****  
  
The tall blond girl kept lunging at him with her fencing foil, leaving Quatre no choice but to battle for his life. As she overzealously thrust her weapon forward, she knocked his the foil from his hand. The Arabian let out a small 'eep' of panic, and before he had a chance to react, Dorothy Catalonia had run him through. 'Argh! Stupid psycho chick! I shall make her pay for that! Mwhahaha!' he thought to himself. But instead he calmed down and recalled the anger management courses that Trowa had wisely persuaded him to take, once he had gotten his memory back and recalled just /how/ he had gotten his amnesia in the first place. "Say the opposite of what you mean," the course instructor had explained. "It'll help you get yourself back under control and allow you to handle the situation appropriately."  
  
Quatre was sure that the instructor had never anticipated this kind of situation, but he tried to follow his advice anyway. 'All right, the opposite of what you mean...' He had to struggle to get the words out, especially since his side was really hurting. "You're a kind person, Dorothy. You're even kinder than I am. I don't think that you're a psychotic bitch at all. In fact, I completely forgive you and I don't think that you should go to Hell. And I definitely don't want to get into my Gundam and blow you to little pieces." He smiled sweetly at her and then passed out. 'Wow,' Dorothy thought. 'This guy is like a saint. He almost makes me feel bad for stabbing his guts out.' She considered this carefully, then shook her head. 'Nah.'  
  
*****  
  
Foreign Minister Relena Peacecraft boarded her plane, about to depart for another conference. She was so glad the war was finally over. Maybe now she could find happiness with a certain spandex-clad pilot with homicidal/suicidal tendencies. She never knew when he would show up next. As she made her way toward her seat, she brushed shoulders with a janitor of slight build who was now getting off the plane. When she came to her seat, she found a teddy bear seated there with a note next to it. She open the note carefully. Inside it said:   
  
"Relena,  
I don't love you and I never will. In fact, I hope you die a very painful death. To ensure this, I've implanted a small explosive device within the teddy bear on your seat. You'd better make out your will very quickly. -Heero Yuy  
P.S.-- Look outside your window"  
  
Relena did as the note instructed. There was Heero, standing a safe distance away and wearing the janitor's uniform. The former Queen of the World smiled at him and tore up the note. "Heero, you joker, you. Next time, deliver it to me in person." Heero gave her the finger and walked away. "That silly boy. He really makes me laugh sometimes. Now what did that note say? I should've looked at it again before I tore it up. Oh well, I'll just enjoy this lovely teddy bear. Hello, teddy b-" *KABOOM!*  
  
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*Stretches and sighs* Well, that's it...finally done with the series. Thanks again to my sis Qtpi123 and to everyone out there who bothered to read and review my insane ramblings. Look for my next story to come out soon, it'll be a full-length humor feature. And now, it's time for me to crawl back into my padded room...  
  
*Back to the Sanc Kingdom. Otto's lifeless corpse is being dragged away by several OZ soldiers. OZ soldier #1 leans in and says to OZ soldier #2:* "You wanna swing by Pizza Hut and grab a slice when we break for lunch?" "Sounds good to me. But I've gotta be back by one. They need me on the set to scream 'It's a Gundam!' and then die in a horrible explosion." "You too, huh? Man, we really should unionize." 


	5. Gundam Wing: Endless Shorts

Gundam Wing: Endless Shorts  
by Euterpe  
  
OK folks, you pressured me into this one. After I submitted my "Gundam Shorts" series, I kept getting reviews telling me to do a set of shorts for "Endless Waltz". So I sat down and forced myself to watch the movie another 2 or3 times until even the stuff that wasn't funny at all suddenly became real hilarious. Frankly, I never was a real big fan of the movie to begin with-- I think the whole thing could've been cut down to just the parts with Heero and the puppy, and Trowa with no shirt on. But I did this for all of you out there who were nice enough to read my work. I hope you enjoy this fic-- it took a long time for me to get around to writing it. And now, the "Gundam Shorts" OAV, "Endless Shorts":   
  
  
Disclaimer: *Enter Wufei, muttering to himself* "Hmph. Good riddance to her." *hears voice whispering from offstage* "What? I'm on? Why didn't anyone say anything? Fine. Good evening, everyone. I am Chang Wufei, proud warrior of the Dragon Clan, and I will be presenting the disclaimer to you this evening. The author originally had that woman Hilde scheduled for tonight, but all it took was a little convincing with my katana" *pulls out sword to demonstrate* "to make Euterpe see that I take priority over some female. You see, women are weak and easy to manipulate in such a way. I know that she's already had all the other pilots in to do her disclaimers, as well as that Peacecraft woman, and I feel it's unjust for her to consider them before me. It really hurts my feelings. But what else could I expect from a woman? This is just so typical--" *Enter Mariemaia, who cuts him off* "There you are, Wufei! Dekim's been lookin' all over for ya. Grampa says if you don't come back with me now he won't let you lead his army when he tries to take over the world." *Wufei sighs* "What does he want now, Miss Mariemaia?" *Mariemaia pouts* "Don't you remember? You promised to help me sell cookies for my Girl Scout troop. Suzy Noventa's already sold 500 boxes, and I hafta beat her!" "But Miss Mariemaia--" "And you have to wear this, for the customers!" *Mariemaia produces a Wufei-sized Brownie uniform, complete with skirt, from hammerspace* "It'll get them to buy more cookies. Now let's get going. We've gotta cover the L2 colony cluster before it gets dark out." *Wufei's eyes get watery and he starts sobbing* "Aw, come on. I wanna do the disclaimer first. Puh-leaze?" *Mariemaia considers this for a moment* "OK but make it quick mister." "Euterpe doesn't own Gundam Wing." *Mariemaia drags Wufei out by his ponytail* "Ow, watch it! That really hurts!"  
  
...-- denotes flashback  
  
  
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First a bonus Gundam Short from the TV series-- "Trowa and Quatre's Duet". I just thought this one up when I was watching ep 4 for the hundredth time, and I had no place else to put it. It's the obligatory 4x3 in a fic that otherwise might lack it:  
  
As they waited for the Maguanacs to make repairs on their mobile suits, Quatre invited the strange-haired young man he had met inside his compound. While watching the lean figure saunter gracefully next to him, the Arabian's thoughts quickly turned indecent. 'Damn, he's got a hot body,' he thought to himself. 'Now if only I could get him into the sack-- he looks very bendy, so I bet he'd be a lot of fun...' He shook his head, trying to restrain himself from thinking that way about his guest. 'I know. Playing the violin will calm me down and help me get my mind off of him.'   
  
He led the other youth in the direction of his music room, and watched him take up residence in a corner as he prepared to play. 'He's very odd,' thought Quatre to himself as he pulled out the violin and bow from the case. 'He's barely spoken a word to me since we met, and I still don't even know his name.' As he broke off into a sweet melody, the stranger continued to haunt his thoughts. Suddenly, much to his surprise, the green-eyed boy strode over to a nearby cabinet that housed several instruments, opened it up, and picked out a flute. He placed it to his lips and began to accompany the lively song. As the blond looked up and noticed what was going on, a smile quickly spread across his face. 'He certainly has a very talented mouth...and talented hands, too,' he noted, as he continued the little game his guest had incited. He drew his bow across the instrument to produce a quick succession of notes that was immediately followed by a reply from the other boy and his flute. When they had at last finished their duet, they paused and stared at each other in amazement. The sexual tension in the room was so thick that you would need a beam saber to cut through it. Quatre threw down his violin, causing extensive damage to the priceless instrument, grabbed the other boy's hand, and dragged him off to the nearest storage closet.  
  
Meanwhile, the Maguanac Corps was busy making repairs to both Gundam Sandrock and Gundam Heavyarms, and talking about the mysterious pilot who had shown up with a mobile suit so remarkably similar to their own master's. The massive weapon was clearly capable of doing a great deal of damage. Rashid thought about the new pilot. 'Lucky for us he's not our enemy. Master Quatre certainly seems to have taken a shine to him-- it's nice for him to be making friends.' Fortunately, the head Maguanac was unable to hear the shouts coming from across the compound, once voice crying "Harder, Quatre, harder!", and the other gasping in response, "Allah yes....um, whatever your name is!"  
  
*****  
  
As the other pilots were attempting to quell the rebellion led by Dekim Barton, Quatre found himself speeding along in a shuttle with the Maguanacs on a dangerous rescue maneuver. They were to retreive the Gundams, which they had recently sent on a one-way trip to the sun that would put a permanent end to the weapons of mass destruction. However, this move had been too hasty, and now they were faced with a dire situation that demanded they recover the giant machines before it was too late. As he prepared to board the satellite, Quatre recalled the reason for making this dangerous journey toward the sun to collect the mechs:  
  
  
Only a few days before, he had been standing with Duo inside their craft, preparing the Gundams for their final trip. Each of them were saying their final goodbyes to the machines that had been their partners throughout the war. "I'm gonna miss you, Sandrock," Quatre whispered. Duo was expressing similar sentiments to Deathscythe. When both pilots were finally ready, they moved to safety and began jettisoning the massive weapons of war toward their destination. They watched in silence for a few moments until the vessel was out of sight, then Duo turned to Quatre and smiled sadly, "Well, buddy. I guess this is it." He began walking toward his shuttle. "I wish you the best of luck with your family's business and everything. Take care of yourself, and I hope to see you again soon." "Keep in touch, Duo. I expect you to visit sometimes," the Arabian reminded him. The braided pilot nodded, climbed into the shuttle, and began closing the door to the airlock. "So long, Q-man." He waved goodbye. A few minutes later, Duo was gone in his craft as well, headed in the direction of Earth. His blond friend now stood alone, contemplating with a mixture of both relief and regret just how much the times had changed for the five of them. 'So it's finally all over. No war, no more worries.' He thought, anxious to get back to a normal life.  
  
But everything was far from over. Only a few hours later, Quatre received a call on his emergency line, which he was able to trace to Heero Yuy. Something had to be terribly wrong. Heero's face came onto the videophone, deadpan as ever. "Heero, what's wrong?" he inquired. The Japanese boy began to speak in an even tone. "Quatre, things have gone awry and we must change our plans. You need to recover the Gundams before it's too late." Recover the Gundams? In Quatre's mind, this could only mean one thing: war was once again imminent. "So it's back to fighting again for us, I suppose? All right, I'll get them back, for the sake of maintaining peace on Earth and in space." Suddenly, Duo's face popped up next to the Zero pilot's. "Um, actually, Q, that's not exactly what we need them for. Ya see, the thing is...when we were shipping them off, I kinda forgot some important stuff inside Deathscythe. Stuff that I really need." Quatre was growing suspicious. "Like what?" The American sweatdropped. "Um, my manga collection-- I kept my favorite issues in there. Would ya do me this favor-- go back and get them. Please?" This left the blond very unhappy. "You're kidding me. There's no way I'm going back now-- it's far too dangerous. I'm sorry, but the answer is no." Now it was Heero's turn to become discontent. "You /will/ retreive those mangas for Duo," he stated matter-of-factly, "Or else". Quatre gulped. "Now that you put it that way, it's no problem at all. I'll get on it right away."  
  
  
As held on for dear life to the side of the natural resource satellite, Quatre thought bitterly, "That's the last time I listen to anything that Heero Yuy tells me. It's also the last time that I entrust Duo with any kind of responsibility. When I get back, I swear, I'm gonna have Trowa and Rashid kick their asses for this."  
  
*****  
  
Relena Dorlian/Peacecraft/Dorlian woke up disoriented, lying on a bed in an unfamiliar room. The last thing she remembered was a meeting, drinking some tea, and then feeling very dizzy. 'That was weird. I wonder what happened," she thought to herself, unaware of the fact that she was being held prisoner by the Barton Foundation. Across the room was a high-backed leather chair that was turned away from her. As she stirred, the chair's occupant spun around and revealed herself to be a small redheaded girl. The child began to introduce herself: "I am Mariemaia Khushrenada, the daughter of Treize Khushrenada, and I am going to rule the world. You, Miss Relena, are going to help me." She began to outline her plan for global domination, while Relena just shook her head vaguely. "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean." The seven year-old was discussing matters in a way that far exceeded Relena's own mental capacities.   
  
Mariemaia sighed. She could see that her plan wasn't going to work unless she could put it into terms that the ex-princess could comprehend. "Fine. I'll give you a demonstration." Quickly, she turned back toward her desk, grabbed several items, and then spun around again. She held up the first item, a small doll about a foot high with platinum blond hair. "See? This Barbie represents the people on Earth." She picked up a similar doll in her other hand. "And this one is the people on the colonies. Now here's my plan. I have my soldiers come in and kill off all the Barbie dolls. See? Just like this!" She began ripping off the limbs of the toys, then jumping up and down on their dismembered body parts, while Relena watched, still confused. As the redhead's rage grew, she began shouting, "Die, Barbies, die!" After a moment, she paused to look down at the mess she had created. "Oh no, I killed all my Barbies. Well, you'll just have to take their place for me. I know, let's give you a makeover, Miss Relena! It'll be so much fun!" Relena felt better, now that she was sure she finally understood the girl's intentions. 'What a sweet little girl. She just wants to play with me. I bet I have nothing to worry about,' she decided, not noticing as Mariemaia pulled out a giant pair of scissors and began advancing towards her.  
  
*****  
  
(Sorry, this next one is probably the most tasteless thing you'll ever read. Now's your last chance to back out of reading it)  
  
Duo looked over at the seat next to him. Heero was fast asleep, conserving his energy for their next mission. 'Poor guy. Even he needs a break once in a while. I can't begin to imagine how hard the war and all his training have been on him. I bet that kind of stuff even haunts him in his dreams.' The American let his imagination run away with him, as he tried to picture what could be going through Heero's mind at the moment:  
  
*Cut to infamous "little girl and her dog" scene. Heero is seen laughing and playing, then he meets the girl, who gives him a flower and runs off. Next, Heero is seen destroying an Alliance base, satisfied that his mission has been accomplished, until a damaged mobile suit falls over and destroys the apartment building where the little girl lived, as he watches on in horror. He goes over to the wreckage and picks up the body of the dog, cradling it in his arms. Voices in the background discuss how their 'Perfect Soldier' is in need of further training*  
  
By now, Duo was fighting back tears. How could the boy sleeping so peacefully next to him have had such a sad life? Every second must have been torture for him, filled with constant sorrow and guilt. He gasped as the Japanese pilot suddenly stirred, almost awakening, then relaxed once again. He was probably in the middle of another dream...  
  
*Cut to Heero's actual dream* After he had finally closed his eyes and fell asleep, Heero felt all warm and fuzzy inside. As he entered his dreams, he found himself in a magical candy land, surrounded by little dancing gnomes and cute cuddly kittens. In the center of the candy land was a headstone that read "Relena Peacecraft, R.I.P.". To top it all off, there was a very naked Duo dancing atop the grave. 'Yep,' Heero mused as he watched Duo shake his ass, 'It just doesn't get any better than this...'*  
  
(I warned you. Go back up and check. I most definitely warned you.)  
  
*****  
  
Alternate endings to EW:  
  
I don't know about everyone else, but I was very dissatisfied with the ending to Endless Waltz. I mean, come on, the writers basically made it impossible for there to be any sequels or follow-up stories, and ended everything in a way that left a lot of people unhappy. So I took the liberty of creating my own endings for everyone. These are much better, right folks?:  
  
~After the rebellion was resolved, Duo went to live with Hilde for a while to run their salvage business. This was until he regained his senses and got the hell away from her as fast as possible. He moved in with Heero. The couple is very happy together and Heero is expecting their first child in September.  
  
~After Trowa returned to the circus, Quatre became sexually frustrated, until he decided there was only one viable solution. He bought the whole circus and fired the entire staff except for Trowa, who now provides him with private performances on demand.   
  
~While serving in Mariemaia's army, Wufei had grown to enjoy wearing a uniform. Along with outside pressure from Miss Khushrenada, he made the decision to join Girl Scouts of the United Earth Sphere. He recently was promoted to the rank of Junior Girl Scout and has just earned his first Arts & Crafts badge.  
  
~Faced with the prospect of becoming a wash-up at the age of seven, Mariemaia Khushrenada entered the world of television entertainment. She currently hosts her own morning talk show on ABC.  
  
~Zechs Merquise and Lucrezia Noin headed off to take part in the terraforming operation that was beginning on Mars. However, Zechs quickly realized he couldn't get rid of Noin, even by travelling to another planet. He has since disappeared and was last seen living on the L1 colony, wearing a tinfoil mask and calling himself Char Aznable (Note: I hope you don't get this reference-- it means that your life is as sad as mine is). Fortunately, Noin has yet to find him.  
  
~The Gundams were /not/ sent off into the sun or detonated. Instead, they were all stored in nice waterproof bubble-wrap containers, just in case another elementary school-aged dictator popped up somewhere.  
  
~Relena Peacecraft was strapped to a natural resource satellite on a collision course with the sun. She was never heard from again.  
  
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"C'mon, Wufei. Hurry up. If I sell 1,000 boxes, I get a T-shirt. And if I sell 2,000 boxes, I get my own natural resource satellite..." *Wufei and Mariemaia are in their Girl Scout uniforms on the doorstep of a house on L2. He rings the doorbell, and a moment later, the door opens, revealing Heero in a leather skirt and fishnet stockings, holding a pair of handcuffs* "Maxwell-Yuy residence. State your business--" *he suddenly notices Wufei* "Excuse me for a moment." *slams door in Wufei and Mariemaia's face. Sounds of hysterical laughter follow for a minute or two, then the door finally opens, and Heero has a deadpan expression on his face* "You're selling Girl Scout cookies? Fine, I'll take a box of Trefoils." *Duo shouts from upstairs* "Heero, what's going on down there? Come back to bed!" *Heero ducks his head back inside* "You've gotta see this, Duo. It's Wufei selling Girl Scout cookies. Come down quick." "I would be down there if someone hadn't taken my pants, Einstein. Have him put me down for 200 boxes of Samoas!" *Heero sighs* "You'd better be paying for that, 'cause I'm definitely not." *a wallet flies down the stairs and Duo calls out:* "There, that should be enough. Thanks a lot, Wu-man." *Heero pays Wufei and Mariemaia, and they leave, Mariemaia full of questions that Wufei would prefer not to answer. Heero goes back inside* "Duo, what the hell are you going to do with 200 boxes of Samoas?" *Duo grins slyly* "You'll find out when they get here."  
  
Thanks to my adorable, sweet, caring, pretty, loving, intelligent, considerate sister, Qtpi123, for all her suggestions and editing. *authoress looks up* "That's just a bit overboard. I'm never letting my sister write her own thank-you again!" 


End file.
